My papaw always took care of me growing up. From the time I was born, through elementary school, even through my adulthood. He has taken care of my kids and have loved them like no one else.

February 14, 2020 he was diagnosed with cancer. He fought through chemo, radiation, and a much more aggressive chemo before he stopped treatment.

Each month we visited him, his health continued to decline. On December 23, he was so happy to see us, but I could tell his body was tired. On January 23, he could barely walk. He just sat in his recliner and looked down at the ground. After awhile my mom asked if he needed to go lay down. Klara helped her walk him to his bedroom because his body was so weak. They sat him down on the edge of his bed and he fell back and that’s the position he stayed in. His body was too weak to reposition so he curled into a ball and we tucked him in. My heart broke because I had never seen my papaw so vulnerable. From that point on his mind, and body, only became weaker. A few days later my mom said they had decided to stop chemo treatments and that he was going to receive hospice care.

February 7th is a day I will never forget. We had made plans to visit him the following Monday or Tuesday because we were out of school those days, but when I talked to my mom she said he had been unresponsive all day. I immediately called my husband and asked him to come home as soon as he could to stay with Koby and Klara so I could go be with him. Our oldest son, Kylan, was very close to my papaw so I spoke to him about whether or not he wanted to go with me. Without hesitation he said, “I want to be there.” It was a quiet drive that lasted what seemed like forever. My mom warned us that he wasn’t moving, could barely speak, and that he probably wouldn’t remember who we were.

We opened the door and saw him laying in the big bed that was provided for him. His body was so still. With each breath he gasped for air and his lower body expanded like a balloon. I am not a doctor and I have very little knowledge about what happens to the body before death, but his nurse later explained that his upper body was no longer working so he was using his lower stomach muscles to breathe, which was another phase your body enters before death. I walked over and held his hand. He would open his eyes every 5 minutes or so, but couldn’t stay awake longer than a few seconds at a time. I would talk to him, remind him of some of my favorite things we used to do together, and tell him I loved him. One time he opened his eyes and tried to smile when he saw me and said, “Hey, pretty girl.” I don’t know if he remembered us being there in between each time he opened and closed his eyes. He woke up another time and Kylan walked over. I said, “Look who came to see you, Pa!” He smiled the sweetest smile and said, “Hi, Ky!”

Deep in my heart I think I knew that would be the last time I would be able to hear him say he loved me. Before we left that night, I got my phone and was so happy to have caught this moment on video. The final time he would ever tell me he loved me. I have listened to it over and over again.

The next few days he was all I could think about. I was constantly asking my mom how he was doing. All I wanted to do was be there again.

The next day, Monday, his nurse said he looked much better than he had the day before. However, my mom said she could no longer understand him when he tried to talk so that left them both in tears from frustration. While his nurse was there, they moved him further up into the bed and turned him onto his side to make breathing easier.

Around 1 o’clock on Tuesday my mom sent me a message telling me that he wasn’t waking up. She said she had changed him and washed him, but that he was unresponsive the entire time. She said his breathing was fast and his pulse was flying.

Wednesday after work I took Klara and Koby to see him. Kylan didn’t go because he had basketball that evening and my mama instinct told me that was his way of saying he didn’t like seeing papaw in that condition. Basketball is Kylan’s escape from the world and I understood that. We all grieve differently.

I talked to the kids on our way there about what to expect. I explained that papaw really isn’t the papaw we’re used to, that he is in a big hospital-like bed and can’t move or speak. As soon as we walked through the door and Koby saw him from afar, his eyes filled with tears and his lip started to quiver. I took him outside and held him as he cried. When I went inside with Klara she said, “Hi, papaw. I love you.” And she rubbed his arm. She went outside with Koby and Aaron, my aunts son. I sat with him for awhile, but this time his eyes weren’t open and he couldn’t speak. He couldn’t move any of his body, unlike the time before that when he kept moving his left arm above his head. He laid so still. His breaths were heavy and fast at the same time.

His nurse, Kathy, came by around 4:30 and asked my mom and my aunt how he had been. Even though he was withdrawn and unresponsive, she said he looked comfortable and that THAT was our goal. She used her pulse oximeter and his numbers were ranging from 81 to 85. She looked at a few spots on his legs that had appeared. She explained that his skin was changing where he had been without food and water for more than two weeks. She said she was happy with how he was doing and how comfortable he seemed to be. She said she would be back the next day to check on him.

At 6 o’clock as I was sitting beside him holding his hand, his right eye opened up as big as it could. He was looking up to the ceiling. I stood up and told him I loved him. My mom was on the other side of the bed and said, “What are you looking at, dad? You hear your grandbabies playing outside? They came to see you.” She stepped into the next room to get my aunt and then my mom came to the side of the bed where I was sitting and began rubbing his head. My aunt was by his right side and my mom and I by his left side. My aunt used her pulse oximeter and it wasn’t picking up anything. She took it off of his finger, put it on hers, and it worked. She put it on a different finger of his, and there still wasn’t a reading. My mom was telling him how we were all by his side and how we knew he was tired. She told him how my mamaw was waiting for him, waving him into Heaven, standing beside his mom and his brother, David. We told him we knew Heaven would be a beautiful place and that we would be okay without him. We told him how much we would miss him, but that we understood it was his time. We didn’t want him to hurt anymore. The three of us held onto him as we cried. My mom said, “You can go now, dad. It will be okay. All of us will be okay.” His breathing became slower and slower. More time passed between each breath. She would say, “There you go, you’re doing great. You’ve been so sick for so long, you’ve fought a good fight. Soon you won’t be hurting anymore. Go play a game of softball in Heaven.” In between each breath she told him how strong he was and how he was doing great. Finally, he took his last breath on this earth at 6:15. I’ll never forget my aunts voice saying, “He’s gone.”

Klara came inside and I scooped her up in my arms and embraced her with a hug as I told her that papaw just took his first breath in Heaven. She began to weep and asked if he would be okay. I just remember saying, “It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be sad.” After a few minutes, she went back outside with Koby and Aaron and I picked up my phone and called Jordan. My aunt went outside and held Aaron as he cried and Koby completely shut down. Our hearts were broken.

We waited for an on-call nurse to come start paperwork and we called my papaw’s sisters. We kept walking by his bedside and would hold his hand or kiss his head.

I had to come home and tell Kylan that his best friend had left this world. He was waiting for us to pull in the driveway and opened the door for me. The first words he said were, “How’s Pa?” I remember turning my head to look at him and saying, “He went home to Heaven.”

I couldn’t sleep at all that night. The day after that was even harder. I can’t help but to be so incredibly thankful that I was able to be by his side as he left this world. Even though he wasn’t able to open his eyes or speak, I think he heard us and was hanging on to our every word. Medical professionals may disagree with that, but I truly believe he was hanging on for as long as he could until we told him it was time for him to go. God gave us those final moments together that I will never forget.

Papaw,

I could never put into words how lucky I am to have been your girl. You have been more of a dad to me than my grandfather, yet still spoil me rotten as papaw’s are meant to do.

You took care of me when mom worked night shift, you would take me and mamaw to Hardee’s every Sunday morning before church, and you would drive me and my friends to the mall in your loud blue Chevrolet. I’ll never forget the day you took us to the mall and pulled us up to the front doors. Your truck was so loud and packed down with all of your work things and my friend couldn’t open the door. I remember her throwing her shoulder into the door, but it wouldn’t budge. You smiled, got out, walked over and opened the door for us. Every Friday night you would pick me up, give me $20, drop me off at Rascals and stay up late to pick me up.

After Kylan was born, your life was changed forever. You were always so happy when you were with him. I remember how your face would light up when you would tell people he was named after you.

Kylan loved driving you around on your riding lawnmower and helping you in your garden. As he got older he loved to come spend the night and watch football with you.

You never missed a game. Whether it was basketball, baseball, football or soccer. You made it to every school program and every Grandparents Day event.

When I was 9 months pregnant with Koby and got snowed in at work, you came to pick me up. We slid the entire way home, but I felt safe with you.

At Kylan’s games, you would always buy Koby and Klara junk food from the concession stands and would always hand me money every chance you had.

Your famous breakfast for the kids was always cereal, oatmeal and toast. I will miss your fudge and your vegetable soup. I will miss you making me and the kids ice cream cones and sitting with us on the porch swing. Your homemade apple butter will never be topped. You would spend an entire day peeling apples and sitting outside stirring the big kettle. One of my favorite traditions was when you would come pick up the boys and take them out for pancakes before you took them to the barber shop.

One of the last times I saw you when you could barely speak I told you I wished that we could go to Zachary’s Steakhouse one more time. I remember I loved their peanut butter pie so much that you asked the waitress for the recipe and started making them for me. Once a week I would come down to your house and you would go pick us up some dinner from there and we would watch Turtle Man on TV. You would get me a burger or beef tips, chili cheese fries, and you always made sure to get me onion rings with their special sauce that I loved so much.

I remember when I was in elementary school and got off the bus, I would always come in and visit for awhile. You dug “steps” out of the ground to make sure I could get up into the yard.

You were so proud to walk me up the sidewalk to Jordan the day we got married.

Even though I was an adult and married, I’ll never forget walking into the house one day and seeing groceries sat in our kitchen floor. Paper plates, paper towels, toilet paper. You always made sure we were taken care of no matter what.

I was afraid that Jordan had no idea how spoiled I was when we got married. He had such big shoes to fill. You always took my car and filled it up with gas, checked my tires, and always picked up my tags before they expired.

You always worked so hard. I remember wanting to be just like you. I sat at the kitchen table one evening, turned on the local channel that showed houses for sale, and put a pencil behind my ear. All I knew was you were writing down prices and materials you would need for your upcoming jobs. I miss looking down the hill and seeing your kitchen light pop on at 5 a.m. and you starting your pot of coffee. I remember seeing you sit at your kitchen table every morning just looking up at the house. I can still see you walk out to start your truck every morning.

The day you took me and the boys to the fair was so much fun. I am so thankful that you were my travel buddy for so many trips. Virginia Beach, Nashville, West Virginia, Charlottesville. I remember us on vacation one summer and you and me went to K-Mart. You’d always say, “Honey, anything you see that you want, get it.” That day I got the hiccups and they were so loud. I remember hearing you laugh from across the store.

Once Kylan was older, you asked if you could take him to Maryland with you. He will never forget that trip. His first time on an airplane and his first big trip without mom. He loved going to ballgames with you.

There are so many memories I have of you from the 30 years I’ve been on this earth and I am so thankful for them. They will live in my heart forever. Thank you for always loving me and for being the best father figure a girl could ever have. Life will never be the same without you.

Make Jesus, mamaw Faye, Mildred, and all of the angels some of your fudge and come sit with me in the bleachers at every basketball game this season.